


Ever Enough

by gypsophilasscribbles



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 08:37:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6187693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gypsophilasscribbles/pseuds/gypsophilasscribbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm hanging on a line here baby<br/>I need more than ifs and maybes<br/>We'll come down from the highest heights<br/>Still searching for the reason why<br/>And now I know what it's like,<br/>Reaching from the other side<br/>After all that I've done<br/>Is it ever enough<br/>- A Rocket to the Moon</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ever Enough

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a mess but I had some angsty-malec feels I needed to vent.

Ever since the incident with Luke, it had become a habit of Alec’s, that whenever things at the institute became too overwhelming, he’d sought refuge in Magnus’ apartment.

That first time Magnus had convinced him to stay, they’d sat up all night talking.

When he wasn’t firing out sarcastic comments, Magnus had a soft tone of voice, that resonated out from deep within his chest. He knew when to be silent, and let Alec ramble, and what words were needed to steer him back on track.

Alec felt like he’d known the warlock his whole life.

And with every visit the space between them on the coach decreased, until Alec was falling asleep with his head resting against Magnus’ shoulder, until they were lying in Magnus bed, breathless and naked but, surprisingly, unashamed.

It got to the point that when Alec did sleep at the institute he found himself lying awake for hours, missing the soothing motion of Magnus’ hands skimming across his back, and the feeling of his warm breath against his neck.

When he was with Magnus, there was no need for secrecy; but when he returned to the Institute his burden felt even heavier. It was utterly exhausting.

And this exhaustion led to more and more arguments; especially with Jace, who couldn’t seem to understand why Alec was so on edge.

They’d had an argument that morning, after Clary had gone running off on Alec’s watch. Jace yelling at him for losing Clary felt like boiling water being poured over him and as soon as the other had rushed off after girl, Alec had sought sanctuary in Magnus’ apartment.

He was lying on Magnus’ coach, head rested on the warlock’s lap. Magnus tangled his long fingers through Alec’s unruly hair, black painted nails scraping lightly against his scalp. The tension ebbed out from Alec as he allowed himself to enveloped by Magnus’ warmth.

Magnus was reading, as he so often did; the language was one Alec was not familiar with, but he liked the way the words seemed to slip off Magnus’ tongue, and how he read in a soft, silky tone. It was making Alec feel sleepy.

However, the peaceful atmosphere was shattered when the bell to the apartment trilled harshly, again and again; someone evidently pounding at the doorbell.

Magnus frowned, and got up, approaching the door.

“Will you give it a rest.” He snapped down the speaker phone.

“Is Alec up there?” Jace’s voice crackled through the small speaker. Magnus did not reply. “Let me in Warlock or I will break your door down.”

“Well there’s no need for that.” Magnus retorted tersely, pressing the buzzer to let Jace in. Alec rose from the couch and glared at the door.

Jace entered the apartment, a scowl fixed on his face. “So this is where you’ve been hiding.” He said glaring at Alec.

“I’m not hiding.” Alec huffed. “Why are you here?”

Jace takes a step back in shock. “Why am I here? Alec, you can’t just storm out of the institute like that. We were worried about you.”

Alec snorts. “ _Really_.”

If anything this only infuriated Jace more. “What do you mean _really_? You think we don’t care?”

“I think your priorities have changed recently.” Alec said, staring steadfastly at the floor.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Jace said through gritted teeth.

“I mean, _that girl_ , who again and again gets us into trouble.”

“ _That girl has a name, it’s_ Clary.”

“I know what her name is!”

“but you won’t say it? what’s your problem with her?”

Alec remained silent, teeth gritted angrily.

“Sorry to interrupt this exciting exchange,” Magnus pipped sarcastically. “But could you two do this, I don’t know, in your own home?”

Jace turned to face Magnus, hands clenched at his sides. “Nobody asked you _warlock_.” Spitting out the word like it was some kind of swear.

“Now who’s not saying names?” Alec said, nearly snarling. He was furious that Jace would be so disrespectful to Magnus, after everything he’d done for them – for his precious Clary.

“if anything Alec, it’s you spending all your time here with _him_ that’s fucking with everything.” Jace mutters bitterly.

“What are you trying to say Jace? That this… this my fault?”

Before Jace could answer Magnus stepped in front of Alec, blocking Jace from his view.

“You have over stayed your welcome, Shadowhunter.” He said coldly. Alec could picture the stony expression on his face, the sharpness of his features emphasised by his narrowed eyes.

The two of them continued speaking, but Alec’s head felt like it was full of cotton wool. Did Jace really believe that?

For so long, he’d felt so alone. It was like there was an invisible wall between him and everyone he cared about. A tangible bubble of fear and shame that prevented him from reaching out to anyone. The idea of Izzy or Jace finding out – his parents finding out – it terrified him.

Then Magnus came along and smashed through every carefully placed brick, every devised defence, every hope of normality Alec had. His witty humour, the little pout whenever he disagreed with something. The quirk in his voice when he called _Alexander_.

It broke Alec in the best and worst way possible.

And right at the moment, listening to Magnus and Jace bicker; Alec wasn’t just angry, he was furious.

“Will you both just _shut up._ ” He yelled, fist slamming down on Magnus’ coffee table. Both paused, turning to look at Alec in shock; he wasn’t the type for emotional outbursts.

“I’m not a child,” he said through gritted teeth. “I don’t need you fussing over my private life. It is none of your business.”

Jace frowned. “We’re Parabatai. Of course it’s my business. I know how weird this guy makes you feel!”

“You don’t know anything!” Alec fumed. “All you care about is Clary. How’s Clary feeling? What’s Clary doing? How could you be stupid enough to lose Clary? You know what, I couldn’t give less of a shit about Clary and if she were dying in the gutter I wouldn’t care.”

Jace was shaking, hands clenched into fists at his sides. “You don’t mean that.” He said. “I know you Alec - you don’t mean that. And in a few hours, I’ll forgive you for saying it but right now?” he couldn’t even finish his sense before he was storming out of the apartment.

Alec remained frozen as Jace brushed past him, leaving Magnus’ apartment, the door slamming behind him with deafening finality. He couldn’t tell if it was rage, or indignation or hurt that kept him motionless. He just knew that for the first time in his life, he didn’t trust the trained reactions of his body.

Sagging, he slumped against the wall, his legs nearly giving out completely. He sucked in a lungful of air, trying to clear the haze in his mind but he couldn’t shake the thoughts bouncing around his head.

“Alexander,” Magnus’ voice was soothing, and much closer than Alec had expected. He felt Magnus’ cool hand, a reassuring pressure against the small of his back.

“Why - why do you put up with this?” Alec asked quietly.

“I don’t understand.”

Straightening, Alec turned to face Magnus. “Why do you put up with me, with Jace and all this bullshit. I don’t – why?”

“Alexander, I’ve told you. You made me feel – after nothing for so long, you arrived and made me feel something again.”

“No, there’s got to be some kind of reason, something you need me for. Tell me what you want from me… Just, tell me.” He pleads.

“I love you Alexander,” Magnus said, his voice unusually soft, eyes focused on Alec’s shirt. “That’s the only reason I have.”

Alec felt his lips moving before his brain could catch up. “I lo- ”

“don’t,” Magnus stopped him, a finger rested against Alec’s lip. “Don’t say it because you think it’s what I want to hear. Love, it’s such a powerful thing. It means that you are willing to admit that you’re completely vulnerable, that you have given another person the power to break you, but you trust them enough to believe they won’t.”

His head was spinning. “Why – Why are you telling this.”

Magnus finally looked up. His eyes were shining with a mix of emotions Alec just didn’t understand. A sad smile tugged at Magnus’ lips and he moved his hand to curl around Alec’s neck. “Because I want you to know that it’s okay. It’s okay to give yourself to someone and trust that they won’t hurt you. It’s scary, but it’s okay.”

Alec has never been eloquent with his words. He knew he blunt and rough and all sharp edges. At that moment, he was actually scared to touch Magnus, who seemed so soft and breakable all of a sudden, that Alec didn’t trust his hands to hold him.

Tentatively, his fingers grazed Magnus’ sides, hold slowly becoming firmer around the Warlocks lean waist, until Alec was confident enough to pull Magnus flush against his body.

Magnus’ hands rested against Alec’s shoulders, braced against the hard muscle built up from years of training. Alec held tightly to Magnus, thinking, not for the first time, that he was holding something incredibly precious in his hands.

 

 

***

 

 

He really should have gone back to the institute, found Jace and apologised. But he couldn’t bare going back to a place that constituted his own solitary confinement; not when he was already feeling so raw.

“Does it get easier?” Alec asked quietly.

Magnus frowned. They’d moved to the bedroom, finding sanctuary in the layers of Magnus’ silk duvet. “Does what get easier Alexander?”

Alec stared at the burgundy sheets. They crinkled, as Magnus shuffled closer, sitting in front of Alec and resting his hands on Alec’s knees.

“The hiding, the crippling fear you’ll be found out,” Alec whispered. “All of it.”

Magnus squeezed Alec’s knee. “No, my beloved, it does not get easier. If anything it just gets harder. The more you lie to cover it up, the harder it gets to tell the truth. And the lies get harder to keep track of – I do not wish to scare you Alec, but I will not lie to you either.”

“I’m a coward.” Alec said numbly. “I’ve let everyone down and I can’t even explain why.”

Magnus was shaking his head. “No – Alec, you are not a coward. You are afraid, that is not the same as cowardice.”

“It’s hardly bravery.” He replied. His hands trembled by his sides, and Magnus moved to take them in his own, holding them in his lap.

“Have you considered,” he said in a neutral voice. “telling Jace.”

“I – No.” Alec stammered. “I could never – he’d, he’d be completely _disgusted_.” He nearly choked on the word, a lump suddenly forming in his throat.

He couldn’t look in Magnus eyes, which were blazing with sudden intensity. “From what I have been witness too, although arrogant and antagonistic, Jace does not seem the kind to believe that. He – ” Magnus’ voice falters. “He cares for you very much.”

Alec shrank away. Jace did care for him, Jace loved him. But Alec had taken that love and turned it into something perverse and repulsive. The love between Parabatai was pure and he’d tainted it.

Magnus’ hands were on his knees again, barely touching the fabric of Alec’s jeans, as if afraid to startle him. “Will you stay?” he asked, eye shining with despairing hope.

Alec swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. He stood to take off his jeans, throwing them ungracefully to the end of the bed before joining Magnus beneath the covers.

He wrapped his arms around Magnus’ waist, tugging him closer. Magnus let out a shaky breath, resting his head against Alec’s broad shoulder.

“What is it?” Alec asked.

Magnus laughed, but it was sharp and cold. “I love you, but – it’s not enough is it?”

Alec could not answer, but his hold on Magnus tightened.

“Good lord this whole thing is a mess.” Magnus sighed, his breath hot against Alec’s neck.

“Would it be better, if I stayed away?” Alec asked, although the thought of not seeing Magnus again made him feel sick.

Thankfully Magnus was shaking his head. “Even if I am a fool, and I suffer the more for it… I am a greedy, selfish creature and I will gladly take whatever I can get.”

Alec frowned, tilting Magnus’ face so he could look into the Warlocks eyes. “You are the most selfless person I know.” He said truthfully. “And I am honoured to receive your love.”

Magnus didn’t reply, but parted his lips to press a kiss against Alec’s pulse point, then another on his jaw.

Alec stroked the length of Magnus’ back, feeling every bump of his spine with calloused hands, breaking the kiss with a soft gasp as Magnus sucked a mark against his collar.

With sudden determination, the Warlock scrambled atop Alec, his legs braced against Alec’s sides. He planted his hands on Alec’s chest, nimble fingers moving across the bumps of his ribs, tracing the lines of hard muscle on his abdomen, scratching his nails ever so slightly against the sensitive skin.

He pressed his lips against Alec’s, then trailed down to his chest. Alec realised with a jolt that Magnus was tracing the rune scars with his tongue, hot and wet against his skin.

“ _Magnus_ – ” Alec moaned the other travelled further down his chest, tugging on the elastic at the top of Alec’s boxers.

Magnus glanced up; his hair fell messily over his eyes but Alec could see the desire shining through, the look on his face was almost predatory and Alec’s last semblance of restrain snapped.

He flipped them over so he was hovering above Magnus, hands planted either side of the warlock’s face. Magnus was breathing heavily, his eyes wild.

Alec made quick work of Magnus’ boxers, tossing them behind him; Magnus looked like something from a wet dream, laid out before him looking utterly wrecked when Alec had barely touched him yet.

“You’re so beautiful.” Alec heard himself saying. Magnus too seemed stunned, he was usually the one uttering sweet nothings. Alec leaned down to suck a mark against Magnus thigh, causing the warlock to squirm.

“Alec,” he gasped sounded wretched. “Please – hurry – I – not all of us have a stamina rune.” He stammered in a very un-magnus-like manner.

Alec grinned and reached up to grab the lube, spreading a thorough amount on his fingers. Magnus was very still as he pushed in a single finger, slowly working him open. Alec added a second and Magnus let out a little gasp, the muscles in his thighs tensing momentarily.

“Am I hurting you?” Alec asked, scissoring his fingers and pressing another kiss against Magnus’ thigh.

Magnus made a strangled noise. “Please, please Alec.” He begged.

Alec pulled out his fingers and leaned up over Magnus, who suddenly seemed so small spread out on the covers beneath him. He tilted his hips up, hands coming to clutch Alec’s shoulders as Alec pushed in.

The tight heat made his mind feel hazy and it took all his willpower to remain still. Magnus’ eyes were clenched shut, mouth hanging open as he panted.

Slowly, Alec slid out then pushed back in, gradually building up momentum. The silk sheet fell away, exposing his feverish skin to the cold air.

He looked up at Magnus to see his eyes glistening with tears. “Am I hurting you?” he asked again, his voice trembling.

“Yes! Yes – but, don’t _stop_.” Magnus sobbed.

Alec had never loathed himself more. He did not stop, continued snapping his hips forward as Magnus chanted his name – _Alec, Alec, my Alexander_ – like a prayer, gasping brokenly.

Alec could feel his rhythm faltering as he neared his climax. Tears clouded his vision as he leaned up to kiss Magnus, open-mouthed and messy.

“Alec – I’d give you anything,” Magnus groaned. “I’d let you take everything, take it all – ” his words became unintelligible as he came apart in Alec’s hands. The tightness around Alec became too much and with stuttering hips, he followed Magnus in his climax.

Both of them were panting harshly, lost in a post-orgasm haze.

Gently, Alec pulled out, rolling onto his side before his arms gave out. Magnus was pliant and lax, making it easy for Alec to tuck him against his chest, pressing a kiss to Magnus clammy forehead. Magnus hiccupped, another sob wrenching its way from his throat. Alec held him, letting his fingers trail along the knobs of his spine, feeling how his skin was slick was sweat.

Magnus shuddered, as if the effort of trying to contain his sobs would rip him apart, and Alec didn’t know how to make it better; didn’t know if he could.

He pulled the covers back up and around them, resting his head against Magnus’ feeing tears threatening to leak from his own eyes.

Everything was so messed up and he couldn’t seem to stop hurting the people he loved.

Magnus fell into a fitful sleep; tear tracks still damp on his beautiful face. Alec did his best to brush away the moisture without waking him.

“I wish it was enough.” He murmured to no one in particular. “I wish this feeling was enough.”


End file.
